A letter I received a week or so ago announcing a wellness seminar to be held in our community contained a quote that really got my attention.

Anything or anyone that does not bring you
alive is too small for you.
–David Whyte

(The author of this quote is a poet whose poetry and writing are wonderful. If you have a chance, catch up on his recent work.)

This quote really made me think. Of course, as with all single statements of this sort, we have to put it in context. We all know that there are a lot of things we have to do in life that checking to see if these activities make us feel alive would be silly. I think of taking the dishes out of the dishwasher or rolling the heavy garbage cans out to the road or a dozen other similar things I do in life that don’t have anything to do with whether or not they are too small for me or whether or not they make me feel alive!

But I also think I know what David Whyte is talking about in this quote. What are those activities of choice that I do, those places of choice that I go, that people of choice that I interact with that result in stagnation rather than growth? That dull me rather than sharpen me? That make me feel sluggish rather than alive?

I remember a neighbor telling me years ago that she suddenly realized that the tennis league she had been playing in for years was a total bore for her, that she didn’t even like to play tennis! But somewhere along the way she had started playing tennis in this league because she thought it was the thing to do. Now she realized that this was, for her at this time in her life, stifling and no fun. So she stopped playing tennis in the league and took a class in genealogy at the local community college at the time she usually played tennis.

I have another friend who is a benchmark for me of aliveness. This year she is taking lessons to learn to ski bumps. She’s been a skier for years, but she’s taken the challenge up a bunch of notches this season. She bought a package for limitless lessons and is learning to ski in hard places that she could not go before. And you remember the friend whose story I put in the newsletter a few months back who had never climbed a mountain and chose to go climb Mt. Kilimanjaro to raise money for Alzheimer’s in Canada. Another example of getting larger, not smaller. Of choosing things to do in life that bring aliveness.

Probably the most valuable use we can make of David Whyte’s quote is to ask ourselves questions: is this activity that I do by choice still something that stimulates me or is it now just a habit? Do I still meet with this study group because they want me to come or because I find the activity interesting and valuable? Is it clear that this person has chosen to stay stuck in self-pity and self-destructive activity and that I need to create another way of relating to this individual?

You know your own questions, I’m sure. One of my questions is, “Am I continuing to grow and, if I think I am continuing to grow, how do I recognize this growth?” Another is: “Where have I become a creature of habit instead of a woman of creativity?” And another: “When do I feel most alive and what am I doing what I feel this way?”

I hope that all of us will consider February a month to pay attention to those places in our lives that we want to be bigger rather than smaller and take the actions that bring the growth that makes us feel really alive.

Love,

Dr. Elizabeth Harper Neeld offers wisdom and practical insights to anyone whose life is in a time of transition, change, grief and loss of any kind. As an internationally recognized and accomplished consultant, and author of more than twenty books - including Tough Transitions and Seven Choices: Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World - she is committed to work that helps lift the human spirit.