Walking through the Mauritshuis museum in the Haag in the Netherlands a couple of years ago, I came upon this jovial painting by Jan Steen (1629-1679), a Dutch painter from the 1600s who is considered a national treasure in the Netherlands. I have enjoyed Steen’s paintings for years, especially his scenes of family life and household activities. There always seems to be a joke hovering somewhere around a Steen picture…but, interestingly enough, there is usually—if one looks closely enough to see it—a serious message offered to the viewer also.

Here is what you will read about Jan Steen in the Wikipedia encyclopedia:

Daily life was Jan Steen’s main pictorial theme. Many of the genre scenes he portrayed are lively to the point of chaos and lustfulness, even so much that a Jan Steen household, meaning a messy scene, became a Dutch proverb (een huishouden van Jan Steen). Subtle hints in his paintings seem to suggest that Steen meant to warn the viewer rather than invite him/her to copy this behavior. Many of Steen’s paintings bear references to old Dutch proverbs or literature. He often used members of his family as models.

click the image to see a larger view

When I stood looking at the painting above, which is entitled “The Way You Hear It Is the Way You Sing It,” I read that the painting illustrates the old Dutch proverb: “As the old sing, so pipe the young.” I understood, then, the message Steen was sending all the while that he painted a funny family scene. He was warning that the behavior of adults is copied by the children.

But it was funny…I found myself applying the title of the painting another way…clearly my personal response, not something the painter ever intended. I thought, “The title of this painting reminds me of something very important: that everyone sees life in his or her own way and responds accordingly.” When I cannot understand how in the world someone thinks a particular way that is so opposite to the way I think or prefers something that I would never prefer, I remind myself, “The Way You Hear It Is the Way You Sing It.” This doesn’t mean that I might not try to change this person’s mind (just ask my husband!) or present my point of view. But it does mean, when I can hold onto the thought, that each of us has a unique perspective on the world and from that perspective make our decisions and hold our positions.

Jan Steen never intended that I find his title useful in this way here in the 21st century. He had his own point to make and a very valuable one: that children imitate the behavior of the adults around them. But it doesn’t dilute his purpose for me to get double-duty from his title. It’s a lot easier for me to catch myself being intolerant or self-referential when I remember: “The Way You Hear It Is the Way You Sing It.”

Have a wonderful fall.

Love,

Dr. Elizabeth Harper Neeld offers wisdom and practical insights to anyone whose life is in a time of transition, change, grief and loss of any kind. As an internationally recognized and accomplished consultant, and author of more than twenty books - including Tough Transitions and Seven Choices: Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World - she is committed to work that helps lift the human spirit.