When Life Gets Tough

June 2003

Maya Angelou says in her wonderful poem-book, Phenomenal Woman: “All of my work is meant to say, ‘You may encounter many defeats but you must not be defeated.’ In fact, the encountering may be the very experience which creates the vitality and the power to endure.”

When life gets tough, we feel, to use Maya Angelou’s words, an encounter with defeat, the defeat of our hopes, expectations, dreams, and attempts to make a shape of love and care with our lives. How can this “very experience” of loss and pain create the energy, the “vitality and the power to endure?”

It was someone named Thornell who taught me what it means to endure. The granddaughter of slaves and the mother of a daughter who was a computer specialist and a son who had a PhD degree, Thornell modeled what it meant to choose to endure. I would sit with her for hours, listening to her stories. In those stories I saw my own way forward, even if long before I could take the steps. I saw that it is possible to live through terrible times, to refuse to give up, to refuse to become bitter, but, instead, to find the courage to do what you have to do.

Thornell was evidence for me of the truth of the old quotation, “There is a strength of quiet endurance as significant of courage as the most daring feats of prowess.” Her generosity was a point of light in my dark night. Her actions said to me, “Yes, I have been hit hard. I am hurt. I don’t know how everything is going to work out. But I do know this: I will endure.”

People have told me of many ways that helped them endure. Here are a few things they suggested: Journal, paint, garden, build a birdhouse; exercise, take nature walks; get a medical checkup; pray (If you want to pray but can’t, spend time with a person who can); continue to ask others for what you need; work with a professional who can be a partner and guide in this hard time; talk to a wise person about the “eternal questions” haunting you; eat good food; slow down; spend time with others who express love and concern for you.

From time to time in this column I will share more about at least one of these suggestions of what helps when life gets tough. Today I’ve chosen the section for the Directory of the new Reprint Edition of Seven Choices about gardening.

Gardening

This comes from the directory found at the back of the new Warner Edition of my book Seven Choices.

Barbara Ann Myrick, Master Gardener, writes: When you come home…stop, take a few minutes, go outside, work for a short time in your yard. You will be surprised at how much better you feel. If you are angry, impatient, nervous, unhappy, or sad, gardening is the answer. Take your emotions out on the weeds, prune the shrubs, “deadhead” the flowers, cut down that plant you don’t like or want, or just dig in the soil. Mother Nature is a great healer….You learn patience by waiting for the results of your labor. You overcome failure through knowledge and trial and error. You relieve stress and depression by working and achieving a beautiful, restful haven. Gardening can ease your pain, calm your spirit, and soothe your soul!”

Researchers suggest at least three reasons for our response to plants: (1) plants serve as a stimulus for a direct, specific, positive response for which the human perceptual system is specifically developed (2) plants are a part of the aesthetically pleasing and perceptually stimulating aspects of the environment to which humans respond (3) by observation of plant growth and change, humans learn about life and acquire an understanding that can be applied to other aspects of life. (Diane Relf, Professor of Horticulture).

Larry Caplan, Extension Educator in Horticulture at Purdue University suggests gardening for the senses: making a garden you can taste (golden zucchini squash, red leaf lettuce, purple podded beans); a garden you can smell (honeysuckle, jasmine, wisteria, lavender, rosemary, lemon verbena, oregano, sage, thyme, chamomile, creeping thyme, scented geraniums,); a garden you can feel (soft, fuzzy lamb’s ear, woolly thyme, pussy willow; fluffy hare’s tail grass; silky hibiscus, gardenia, and most lilies; papery feel of statice, globe amaranth, seed pods of honesty or the money plant); and a garden you can hear (whisper of willows and birch; rustling of ornamental grasses and bamboo).

Resources abound for those interesting in gardening. A quick search on a search engine such as www.google.com for gardening therapy turns up pages of valuable sources. Websites such as www.gardenforever.com; www.goforgreen.ca/gardening; www.EnglishGardeningSchool.co.uk; www.plants-for-people.org; www.gardening.about.com are just a beginning.

Excellent books include The Enabling Garden: A Guide to Lifelong Gardening by Eugene Rothert; Dump Your Stress in the Compost Pile by Douglas Schar; Buffalo Bird Woman’s Garden: Agriculture of the Hidatsa Indians by Gilbert Wilson; Butterfly Gardening: Creating Summer Magic in Your Garden (Xerces Society); Gardening with a Wild Heart by Judith Larner Lowry.

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